Love, Loss and Creating the Safe Space for Children to Experience Their Loss

By Nancy Jalowiecki

This August, Mike and I celebrated our fifth anniversary.  Five years of choosing each other, of growing through grief, of raising our daughters side by side, and honoring the sacred bond that loss and love created between us.  

We met when mourning the passing of our beloved spouses, Ed and Maria, whose lives were  taken by cancer. Their deaths cracked us wide open.  However, somehow, through all the pain, our broken pieces began to fit together. What started as shared sorrow grew into shared hope for the future and we found comfort in one another. 

If you lose a loved one you may realize that people mean well, but that few may understand what your grieving heart is going through. It's hard to place yourself in someone else's shoes if you have not lived through their experience. I remember that at the beginning, when Mike and I met, most of our conversations were about our late spouses, Ed and Maria. 

When we moved into our new house we created a memorial garden dedicated to Ed and Maria. Flowers bloom where grief once lived unchecked.  We planted our lovely garden with intention, to live beside our loss and to say: You are not forgotten. You are still here, in beauty and memory, in laughter and in tears. Our love is still alive, burning even brighter than before. 

As our family celebrated our anniversary, we purchased and planted two additional trees side by side. When they blossom, these trees will display beautiful, bright pink flowers. They are small, but they will continue to grow, just like our love. The trees are also a reminder that Ed and Maria are always watching over us, and also shows our daughters that time can pass by, but love will always remain intact. Most importantly, this creates a sacred space where our daughters can connect with their own grief and know that it’s okay to express it.  

Death hurts, it marks us in ways that we can’t express. There are people that don’t want to talk about the death of a loved one. By doing so, they may think that they are protecting their children from the pain of their loss, but this avoidance is superficial and neglects the root of their grief. In reality, this leads to  their feelings getting bottled up, and ignored, rather than releasing them. Grief does not dwell on protection, it dwells on acceptance.  

As summer carries us forward, it also gives us the opportunity to pause and sit for a moment in gratitude. Together, we’ve learned that grief doesn’t vanish, and the reconnection with love deepens and expands. We are physically and emotionally here, for our daughters, for each other, and for anyone who’s walking through the dark shadows of loss. In our home, healing and sorrow coexist, side by side.  We, along with our girls, embrace them both with open hearts.  

Life is not always easy. However, we remain committed to the grief that brought us together in body, mind, and soul.  We lean on faith, reminding ourselves that God’s plan is perfect, even when we think everything is not going according to your plan. There is liberation in surrendering what you can’t control, and shifting to a source of love and light which you are part of.  

Five years of marriage. Countless moments of resilience and joy. We are grateful that destiny crossed our paths, and brought us together. We are hopeful for more time together, to be here for one another, and for anyone who needs the gentle reminder that they are not alone. 

Questions for the grieving heart: 

• What am I doing now that I couldn’t have done before, without that loss of my loved one, and that allows me to grow and expand? 

• How am I celebrating the beautiful memories of my loved one? 

• How am I honoring the love that I still have for my lost loved one? 

An example from my own life:

After I lost my late husband, Ed, I became a bereavement facilitator, providing support to help others on their journey through grief. I also wrote a book, Grief and Gratitude that helped me heal, share, and open the space for others to be vulnerable and connect to their own grief. You can do anything you set your mind to, especially to help you heal. A new hobby, adopting a pet, saying prayers, volunteering, are all ideas to help you through your grief journey. There is a special outlet just for you!